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Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
~Philip K. Dick
Take a fuckin' chance bunch of goddamn pussies.Besides, what d'ya think you have an immune system for? It's for killing germs! But it needs practice, it needs germs to practice on. So if you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you're not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit?! I'll tell you what your gonna do ... you're gonna get sick. You're gonna die and your gonna deserve it because you're fucking weak and you got a fuckin' weak immune system!
~George Carlin
Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.
~Dalai Lama
"Don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear."
~Martin Luther King.
I haven't slept for ten days, because, that would be too long.
~Mitch Hedberg
It is amazing how whole families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
~Jack Handey
I want to make 3 easy payments, and then 1 fucking complicated payment.
~Mitch Hedberg
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places
~Ernest Hemingway
Death is a phenomenon like life; perhaps the dead live.
~Joaquim Machado De Assis, Esau and Jacob, 1901
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
~Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)
Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that
most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go... to take. Anthony Robbins
Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have
~Margaret Mead
The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.
~Rita Mae Brown
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
~Brian Overbeck
"The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
~Albert Einstein
"I tried to get a tattoo of Kim Kardashian's ass on my ass, but my ass wasn't big enough."
~Steven R. Schirripa, Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Most people think clowns are funny, but I think they're kinda scary. I think this goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
~Jack Handey
It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity
~Merovingian, Matrix Revolutions
You're writing checks your butt will find uncashable!
~Soldier, "Meet the Sandwich", Team Fortress 2
If I had to make an educated guess as to what the best way was to get search engines to send more random strangers to my website.... I'd have to say, it might be writing these words somewhere: young naked girls
~Mike Peralta
It is important to remember that everyone dies, and all things end. What is important, is what you did with the time you had.
~Mike Peralta
Question: "Am I tired?", Answer: "Did I just think to myself, in an enthusiastic tone, 'Slob glarb bleeb gleep!' ?
~Mike Peralta
The Holocaust and Diarrhea - One of them happened, and one of them continues to happen.
~Sarah Silverman
What if the meaning of life IS to wander around wondering what the meaning of life is?
~Mike Peralta
I want to invent a robot that makes sounds that sound like a person imitating a robot.
~Mike Peralta
We all live in a yellow submarine..... of death.
~Mike Peralta
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
~Steven Wright
We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.
~Zhūangzi
Right is not right; so is not so. If right were really right it would differ so clearly from not right that there would be no need for argument. If so were really so, it would differ so clearly from not so that there would be no need for argument.
~Zhūangzi
"Stupid people don't need to lie to say things that are not true"
~'Cheater', #AudioWorld, Efnet
I hate my ugly suck face.
~Doug, King of Queens
A witty saying proves nothing.
~Voltaire
Certainty is neither created by nor dispelled by reason.
~Robert Burton
I've got a back lawn that makes my front lawn look like an idiot.
~Homer Simpson
Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.
~Henry James
Well try your best at happiness, but when it comes to feeling bad about yourself because you don't live up to other people's ideas of what you should be... remember this: Everything we are, everything we think, and everything we feel, is just an idea. All right and wrong, good and bad, better or worse, is always dependent on a certain point of view. We as a race believe we know what someone should and shouldn't do, but in the end, its just an idea. There have been a billion years before us, and there'll surely be a billion more when we're gone. So what does any of it matter? It doesn't. So don't live your life by the rest of society's petty definitions. Just realize you have a short time on earth and you'd better enjoy it!
~Mike Peralta
Go count your dick!
~Tourettes Guy
I like it when i drive faster than a bird is flying. It makes me feel like technology kicked natures ass.
~Mike Peralta
You know that song that goes, "History Repeating Itself"? I want to slap the singer across the face. But, you know, in a fun way.
~Mike Peralta
Don't touch my foot with your stinky face.
~Mike Peralta
It takes less than death to kill a man. Don't die on me.
~Unknown
I've not lost until I hate as I've been hated.
~Unknown
We don't see the world as it is. We see it as we are.
~Unknown
Mike: "I'm not sure, but I think I might have stunk up my class today"
Person: "What, like with your attitude?" Mike: "No, I mean with stench. I wasn't sure if I stunk or not." Person: "Ah yes, thats always a hard question" Mike: "Yeah, see the thing is, you usually can't smell yourself, so you never really can tell whether or not you stink. So I just go by simple questions that I ask myself.... Like 'Did I take a shower today?' ... And the answer was no. Then I asked, 'Did I take a shower yesterday?', and the answer was again no." Person: "I see, maybe you should take a shower" Mike: "Maybe I should take a long, long shower."
Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.
~Dag Hammarskjold
Don't talk shit on total!
~Tourettes Guy
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because thats what hes getting!
~Jack Handey
It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.
--Blaise Pascal
Holy Bananabread!
~The weird kid from kid nation
I may be a screw up in many ways, but at least I don't backup my porn.
~Mike Peralta
Grilled cheese with messed up cheese is still better than a salmon sandwhich.
~Mike
... thats always the struggle... "will she please me... and if she will, is it because shes a catch or a whore?"
~Unknown internet chatter
Some people say I ran away from the fight like a scared white rabbit. I prefer to think of it as an angry rabbit, running to another fight, away from the first fight.
~Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man, to laugh at that man.
~Jack Handey
"Don't ever stop until you can bitch slap a dollar in the face without blinking"
~Mike Peralta
"Whether a man thinks he CAN do something, or thinks he CAN'T, he's usually right."
~Henry Ford
if sex is a pain in the arse, your doing it wrong
~Unknown
An ugly pair of pajamas is good motivation for getting dressed in the morning.
~Mike Peralta
Mike: "Why isn't it working?!?!?"
Computer: "You forgot to divide by 2, asshole" Mike: "....."
Hey now, dumb girls need lovin too
~Mike Peralta
Mike: "You know, when you cough its God's way of saying that I'm right and you're wrong"
Amy: "Well what about when you cough, what does that say?" Mike: "When I cough its my way of telling God that I'm right and hes wrong" Amy: "Issues..."
Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield
to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature. ~Mohandas K. Gandhi
I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end
~Mitch Hedberg
Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the
other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment. ~Mohandas K. Gandhi
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
Democracy and violence can ill go together. Evolution of democracy is not possible if we are not prepared to hear the other side.
~Mohandas K. Gandhi
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
~Yoda
All pain in life comes from not accepting what is.
~Mike Peralta
I am sure my theory is credible, because ever since I thought of it, I am visited each morning in my bedroom by aliens.
~Annonymous email to NASA
You are the music while the music lasts.
~T. S. Eliot
An intellectual is someone who, upon entering a room containing a tea-cosy, does not place the tea-cosy upon his/her head.
As an adult I'm not supposed to go on slides, so when I get to the top of one I have to act like I got there by accident. "How the hell'd I get up here god damn it! .. Oh well, I guess I'd better slide down... Weeeeeeeee" ... Thats how you express joy, by referring to yourself and some other people.
~Mitch Hedberg
People tell me I don't know how hard it is to quit smoking. Sure I do, its about as hard as it is, to start flossing. "You look jittery!"... "Yeah, I'm about to floss!"
~Mitch Hedberg
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
~Brendan Gill
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much, that he made a woman out of dirt, and married her, but when he kissed her, she disintegrated. At her funeral, when the minister said, "Dust to Dust" some people laughed, so he shot them. At his hanging he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven, with a gun'.
~Jack Handey
My instincts about having failing instincts, have failed me.
~Mike Peralta
Skin the sun, fall asleep
Wish away, the soul is cheap Lesson learned, wish me luck Soothe the burn, wake me up ~Kurt Cobain
You know that for like the first couple seconds after a rollercoaster derails, everyone is still screaming yaaaaaaaay!!! It sucks but its true.
~Dane Cook
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
~Sam Levenson
I keep having these recurring dreams where the robot empire of the future televises my execution.
~Mike's Sister's Math Teacher
If we are ever invaded by the Martians, I want Dracula on our side.
~Amy's Math Teacher
Mike's Mom: "... a 'fart gone wrong' ?? What the hell is that?"
Mike: "Well, a 'fart gone right' is where you fart and the smell hurts everyone BUT you..." Mike's Mom: ".. ok?" Mike: "So then naturally a 'fart gone wrong' is one that hurts everyone including you. Technically speaking, of course" Mike's Mom: "alright got it"
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may only be seconds from death.
~Jack Mehoffer |
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