When All Else Fails, Make Captain Picard a PB&J

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Monday, March 1st, 2010, 2:32am
Categories: Mouth Diarrhea

Captain Picard Middle Finger
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People tell me they love how random my blogging is, so I'm going to continue that tradition by telling you about one of the lamest/awesomest things I've ever done. You might know I'm a Trekkie by now (sort of), in that I've watched like EVERY single episode of EVERY star trek series that has ever come out, and I am proud to admit that, except that I don't really go to conventions or have posters or anything. I just like the episodes. ANYHOW, what I often like to do is use series' as an excuse to spend time with my mom and/or sister. I've been doing this for a long time now, and gone through tons of series' like "Sex and the City" (Or sex in the city, I forget), "The Sopranos", "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia", "I Dream of Genie", "Bewitched"... the list goes on and on basically.

And if you don't know it already, I'm a huge, huge nerd, and I really enjoy doing dumb stupid nerdy things. You know how lately its been fashionable for people to say, "Yea I'm SUCH a dork!".... but the people who say it are always half kidding, and you can tell that they think their dorkyness makes them somehow cool? Like, they're just pretending to be dorks but still holding back to maintain an image?

WELL

I am a REAL dork. I don't care if I do something that shatters my image, or makes my friends feel embarrassed and sorry for me, or even destroys a chance I have with a nice new pretty girl (chances are if she is turned off by my dorkiness, I didn't want her anyway). My dorkiness involves things like intentionally tripping over a chair and making my fall look very real, and then trying to hold an embarrassed face and forcibly make my cheeks flush so everyone in the room points and laughs and has a huge laugh. Or maybe saying the total wrong thing at the wrong time, and pretending not to understand what I said that was so funny. Or maybe just being into something that is completely ridiculous. For me, if I'm able to make everyone else around me laugh, even if its at my expense and they have no idea I'm kidding, then I get a really huge big awesome warm fuzzy feeling inside. So yeah anyway... I'm a true dork, not a faker.

Back to the story. There's this X-Men video game for the old-school xbox that I used to play with the family, and in between missions there's this one scene where Charles Xavier (Xavier is my dog Freddy's middle name by the way... Froderick Xavier Peralta) follows around your character around through the xmen mansion while you learn to open doors and grab items and stuff. But the thing is... his wheelchair... is turbo charged or something. Like, if you make your character turn a corner just right to get away from him for a few seconds, he'll come zooming around the corner, shaking up and down like a bat out of hell on his little motorcycle wheelchair, and glue himself right back onto your heels. He just won't leave your character alone. And when he follows you or chases you (or the character "Allison"), he kind of looks angry... or agitated, or something. Think of how a parent starts talking very quickly and shaking their hands in frustration at a bratty child.

Now imagine me, my mom, my sister, and my sister's boyfriend, spontaneously, and for no real reason at all, simultaneously imitating him, in a Captain Picard voice, and saying things like "Allison!!! Allison!! Get back he-arr and make me a PB and Jaaaaaaaay. Allison!!! Where ahhhhhh you go-eeeeeeeng. Wheresssss myyyyyyy pb, and jaaaaaaaaaay".

I have no idea why we chose to pretend that Picard/Xavier was annoyed and chasing Allison because he wanted a PB and J sandwich... or why we thought it was so funny.. or why we did it for so long... but mind you me you... we laughed our asses off for a straight 20 minutes.

Try it. Right now wherever you're at, try to imagine Captain Jean-Luc Picard in a turbocharged wheelchair chasing YOU around the house, buzzing around your heels, demanding that you make him a PB&J in a thick angry thespian accent. Just try not to laugh. I dare you!

Ok long story short (too late, yay!!). When I was watching all the "Star Trek the Next Generation" episodes with my mom years ago, I decided to have a "Picard PB&J Day". Which basically meant that we made PB&J sandwiches, watched several episodes of Star Trek, and each person was only allowed to talk in a Captain Picard accent until they finished their own PB&J.

I TOLD YOU I WAS A DORK!

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Mike Peralta is an independent musician and you should follow him on Twitter (@MikePeralta) and Instagram (@MikePeraltaMusic), then subscribe to his blog just a bit below this text!
Current avatar photo by Heinz von Bockelmann (CC by 2.0, modified by Mike Peralta)



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Monday, January 17th, 2011, 6:03pm
wow. that was pretty awesome. they just keep getting better and better!
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