"Drugs" - Why I am not a director

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Thursday, September 25th, 2008, 12:15pm
Categories: Journal

Disclaimer: Yes I am weird.

So I'm sitting here mixing music in my headphones, then I look up to see part of a Julia Roberts chick-flick. It seems to be a touching scene where her and a guy seem to be reconciling their differences. Soft romantic music is playing and they sit on a bed under the moonlight. I decide to watch for a second with music playing lightly into my headphones.

All of the sudden, the man gently caresses her face and I hear him grufly and slowly whisper the word "drugs...", and I burst into insane laughter.

This is why I am not a director.

I know he probably said something more appropriate for the scene, but I couldn't help imagining how wonderful the movie would be if he had actually grumbled that word instead. For a moment, a brief career in film flashed before my mind's eye. One where I took on the role of directing serious tear-jerking scripts, and then abruptly spoiled them all with completely nonsensical lunacy. For instance, a scene where the male lead softly shouts, "DRUGS!!!!" into his lovers ear during the moment where he would be expected to confess his undying love for her. Then he stares at her with an intent half-surprised glare as she is left speechless to a slow fade-out and the rolling of credits.

The cast and crew would be running around screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK!! This makes absolutely no sense at all!" and I would be scream/laughing myself to tears. Gophers and producers would be shouting obscenities and choking each other, crew would be having sword fights with boom mics, and paper documents would be steadily flying through the air. The movie-going audience would walk out with puzzled looks on their faces, possibly running into walls on the way out or slipping into comas once they got home and lay down to really think about the movie.

Sidenote: Is it a huge coincidence that the new "Bonnie" show just came on while I typed this, and I read the logo her segment, "Mail From You Guys" as "Mail From Your Drugs", or is there something now seriously wrong with me?


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Mike Peralta is an independent musician and you should follow him on Twitter (@MikePeralta) and Instagram (@MikePeraltaMusic), then subscribe to his blog just a bit below this text!
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